Some Answers Concerning Self Identification

As teens go through many changes, their mind changes as well. The brain organizes and decipher information differently. Usually this is the time when adolescents decide how they want to live their lives. Some decide they feel they are meant to be a different gender, and others decide they finally want to come out of the closet. Something may be “just a phase” while others become permanently embedded into the brains of today’s youth. Self identification is a process that occurs when teenagers decide that they want to make the change permanent, and this change can continue into early 20’s. Teenagers face a lot while trying to identify themselves: gender identification, sexual orientation, and social influences.

A major factor in self identification is sexuality. Only recently has other preferences for partnership been more outspoken. Humans have a need to develop a personal identity that distinguishes us from others. “Who am I?” and “Why am I here?” or “What is my purpose in life?” are critical questions that people ask.

According to Kids Helpline, “During this time you might experiment or have thoughts about being with someone of the same sex – this doesn’t automatically make you gay, lesbian, or bisexual or experiment or have thoughts of being with someone of the opposite sex – this doesn’t necessarily mean you are heterosexual”.

Unfortunately, in society many are often ‘told’ that being different from others is wrong, bad, or something that needs to be fixed. Regarding sexuality, these messages can come through really clearly when people talk about ‘gays’ and ‘lesbians’ in a negative way, or more subtly in magazines, on TV, or in music.

“Something to think about there is no rush to define who you are. Over time you will most likely feel more secure and comfortable within yourself. Talking with a counselor or supportive service can be a helpful starting point. People often define who they are by what they do, however you don’t have to be sexually active to know that you are straight, gay or whatever! You can engage in sexual activity as part of experimenting with people of the opposite or same sex, and still not be totally sure. Being attracted to someone of the same sex might be different to the people around you, however this does not mean that there is something wrong with you. It also does not mean that you need to change or fix anything about you. Being attracted to someone of the same sex is only one part of who you are as a person. Being who you are as a person is what is important!” –Kids Helpline

Sexual orientation is not the same as identifying as a different gender or feeling like being “in the wrong body”. Sometimes people confuse sexuality with gender and wonder if they should actually ‘be’ the opposite sex to what they are. Some people identify as a different gender to that which they were born and some also decide to make physical changes to their bodies, because they feel they are ‘stuck in the wrong body’. This is knows as being transgender.

It is important to note that being transgender is not the same as being gay or lesbian. If there is an attraction to people of the same gender/sex, it does not mean they are transgender. People who are trans identify as the opposite gender – a male identifies as a female or a female identifies as a male.

A major part of self identification is deciding either to stay or change one’s gender. In some instances, a child will discover at an early age they don’t feel comfortable in their skin. Many children grow up to be trans. According to Gender Network “From a very early age we will start to feel increasingly uncomfortable [if our gender identity, our sense of being a boy or being a girl, does not match our physical body]. Unfortunately because trans people are a small minority of the population the condition has been labeled by Psychiatrists as ‘Gender Identity Disorder’ “.

A disturbing but realizing fact from Gender Network is “Hardly surprising that 35% of trans people attempt suicide – compared to a national average of about 3% who attempt of contemplate”. Gender stereotyping is exactly what it sound like; an example being that when a boy is born he will like the color blue, play with trucks, like to get dirty, etc.. It can be harmful to children and cause confusion in adolescence. Another quote from Gender Network is as follows.

A stereotype is defined as “A fixed, commonly held notion or image of a person or group, based on an oversimplification of some observed or imagined trait of behavior or appearance.” Some might be aware of some of the stereotypes that are out there about people who are gay, lesbian or bisexual. These often come from really uninformed assumptions and negative beliefs.

“Gender stereotyping has nothing to do with gender identity. It is our sense of self and belonging. It’s hard wired into the brain during foetal development and it cannot be changed. The overwhelming desire to wear clothes of the opposite gender is brought about by our need to identify with other people of the same gender,” quoted Rikki Arundel of Gender Network.

Just because a child is born a girl doesn’t mean she is going to grow up liking dresses, wearing makeup, cooking, etc. She has the choice to like whatever she wants. Parents forcing children to act to the “social norm” is harmful to the child’s development and decision making skills.

Society plays a huge role in defining what is acceptable through the media. Even the most simple of physical descriptors such as height and weight can be evaluated socially. Although weight is just a number, many people judge themselves based on other people’s weight.  In many historical cultures, weight was a sign of good health. Since food was scarce, weight was a sign of health, wealth and therefore beauty. Those who were thin were easily identified as lower, working-class people, while the well-fed were likely rich and of high birth. In society today food is easy to obtain. A higher weight is not valued the same way it was in ancient times.

Today, television has a tendency to use only the thinnest women and the most fit men, who are often professionals when it comes to looking good for the camera. An important part about growing up is figuring out one’s identity. There are many struggles adolescents go through, not to mention all the hormones, creation of brain matter, and social influences.

“What happens during the teenage years is that your sense of who you are — your moral beliefs, your political beliefs, what music you’re into fashion, what music you’re into, fashion, what social group you’re into — that’s what undergoes profound change,” according to Professor Sarah Blakemore of Cognitive Neuroscience at the University College London.

Definitions:

Ally: A cisgender person who supports equal civil rights, gender equality, LGBT social movements, and challenges homophobia, biphobia and transphobia.

Aromantic: One who lacks interest in or desire for romantic relationships

Asexual: A person who is not interested in or does not desire sexual activity, either within or outside of a relationship

Bisexual: A person who is attracted to and have romantic feelings for both genders

Gay: Males who are attracted to and have romantic feelings for males – also known as homosexual

Lesbian: Females who are attracted to and have romantic feelings for females – also known as homosexual

Pansexual: A group which is open to members of all sexual orientations or gender identities

Straight: A person who is attracted to and have romantic feelings for people of the opposite gender only – also known as heterosexual

Transgender: Often used to describe people whose gender identity does not match their biological sex, ie. male or female.

Letter from Reiley,

I am 100% behind those who decide to “come out”, but if you’re nervous to let people know, that’s okay! I am no one to judge. I write from my own perspective when I say that I had a hard time figuring out what I was. It can be scary trying to figure out who you like and if you feel comfortable in the body that you are in. It can be stressful trying to tell your parents. It might even be so stressful that you decided to post-pone your announcement for 5 years. I know I may receive hate and criticism but I’m still trying to figure myself out as well. I have a friend who is “ace” (asexual) but not aromantic.

There is so much information out there. Get yourself educated! I’ve told a few close friends I’m pansexual and they had no idea what that was. For those not educated properly in the world of sexuality I’ve included a small dictionaries of different types of orientations, hoping that I may actually help someone out there.

If you’re struggling to find out what you want, do a little experimenting. I know that’s what they say college is for, but honestly, now is the perfect time. Now don’t start thinking that I’m only going to address those that are confused, because those comfortable in their skin, you better start listening. If you’re one of those people that are comfortable, here’s my advice: Become an Ally. Being an ally is about listening. “Ally” is not a self-proclaimed identity; you have to earn the trust from the LGBTQA community. Allies can never “take a break” and they educate themselves constantly. Lastly when criticized or called Out, allies listen, apologize, act accountable, and act differently doing forward.

Teenagers face a lot of problems. If we could just learn to be nice and not so judgmental of others, I’m sure a lot of people would live a lot happier. Some of take medication, some of us have a weird rash on our thigh, some of us haven’t developed or hit our growth spurts yet. It’s going to be okay! I promise you that things may seem rough and hard now, but there are people for you to help you out, and if they’re not, then I hate to say it but, you might need to find new people.

Whatever you like now may not be what you are interested 20 years from now. It’s okay if things change. People change. Just because someone said something dumb a few years ago and you are still holding a grudge, maybe it’s time to give them another chance. People’s opinions and knowledge change all the time. Everyone is different, and that wonderful! The world wouldn’t be the same without you. Even though we are a tiny particle in this giant universe, our problems may seem galactic, and I’m here to help you, along with my staffers and other students here at school and the community. It’s okay to have problems and difficulties, just don’t let them bring you down. I have confidence in you to be the best you, you can be.

 

Reiley Hillman,

News Staffer

David Stump Tells His Story Concerning Depression

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David Stump’s Background

 

U.S. Army Intelligence School, Comptroller (Retired)

and

Security Manager at Massachusetts Institute of Technology, MIT (Retired).

 

Interests:

Journalism

Reporting and Writing Newspaper Articles

U.S. Army Historian

Voracious Nonfiction Reader

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“My Personal Memoir For All at Northwest High School”

 

“Better not to give into it. It takes 10 times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.” – Finnick ODair, Mocking Jay. “I feel the future in the moment” – Lady MacBeth, William Shakespeare.I will always cherish the memory of some very unique and special people who reached out to me at a time in my life when their friendship, respect, compassion, kindness, and understanding made a monumental difference to me. It is to them the officials, staff, faculty, and students at the Northwest High School that I dedicate my personal memoir of non-fiction. A special thanks goes to the following friends, mentors, and role models without whom this story could not have been told: Mr. David Shack, Mrs. Beth Kavan, Miss Laura Springer, and Mrs. Bonnie Kennedy who was my inspiration, coordinator, and a very understanding.

 

(Introduction — Present Day)

 

NW High School has given me so much to live for that it would take many pages to explain why you are such an integral part of my life today. I do not know how I would have survived the 2 most difficult years of my life had it not been for your kindness, respectfulness, and compassionate support that saved my life. I will tell you about parts of my life story that I have never revealed to anyone. My subject is controversial and it contains elements of depression, death, and suicide. These are distasteful and taboo topics that most people will not discuss. However, I will bring them to the discussion table because they must be explored and debated if you are ever to have power against them.

The teen suicide and depression rates are incredibly high and exceed those of all other age groups. This is the 21st Century and with all our electronic wizardry we should be able to direct it positively as opposed to its being adversely used as a cyber weapon bullying tool to hurt reputations and destroy lives. Prejudice and stigmatism still run high and must be stamped out permanently. I have endured such verbal slander and written harassment during my life so I know exactly what it does to feelings and emotions. These are the very deterrents that prevent people seeking help and they prefer to suffer in silence. The physical, mental, and psychological pain of depression never lets up unless it is properly treated by mental health experts.

My story will begin in the Republic of South Vietnam. I want to start there because I suspect it is the origin of all future depressions I would suffer throughout my life. I had no such mental problems before I served in Vietnam. I was a fun loving, carefree, 21 year old kid who was eager and willing to serve his country in time of war. I can look back at Vietnam as my best of time and my worst of times. Let me start with the good times first.

(Republic of South Vietnam — 1963/64)

As soon as I stepped off my airplane at the Tan-son-Nhut Airport the blast of excruciating heat and humidity hit me. The airport was surrounded by a rubber plantation and many Vietnamese were scurrying around, tending to business. As I rode in my open air taxi (a motor bike pushing a chair like contraption) the choking exhaust fumes and smog was terrible. These were a few automobiles but mostly motor bikes with 2-cycle engines that flooded the air with carbon monoxide. I think my eyes watered most of the time I was in Saigon (now Ho-Chi-Minh City) the capital of South Vietnam. Saigon struck me as a very pristine and beautiful city of canals, outdoor cafes, and tree lined boulevards. This was formerly French IndoChina and a colony of France until they were defeated by the North Vietnamese Army in 1964.

South Vietnam was ruled by a civilian, Catholic president and his autocratic family.  Our advisory mission was to ensure the South Vietnamese Army was able to defeat North Vietnamese, where communism had overtaken them in 1945 under Ho-Chi-Minh their leader. Over 1 million people lived in Saigon and this population would nearly double at wars end in 1972. Saigon was once known as the Paris or Pearl of the Orient. However, there was much poverty outside the city and the Vietnamese people lived under primitive conditions without electricity or running water. There was much squalor and substandard living conditions everywhere.

The Vietnamese were a gracious and fun loving people who were very helpful, friendly, and kind. I often dined as a guest in their homes and was treated to many Vietnamese delicacies. Saigon itself was untouched by the ravages of war; however, there was constant intrigue and unrest in the air. The Buddhist Monks staged daily demonstrations and protested against the Vietnamese government that was headed by an autocratic Catholic civilian leader and his family. It was not warfare because the monks were a peaceful group that wanted to be left alone. It was when they were harassed by the VIetnamese Special Police that the demonstrations started. I once saw a Vietnamese Buddhist Monk immolating himself in the public square. If you ever saw one of these suicidal deaths by fire you would never forget it.

The American press corps was small back then and Vietnam was not a nightly news topic, but it would become later on in the war. It was hard to understand why the military wives and children dependents exposed themselves to the dangers of Saigon. It was not uncommon to have several terrorist attacks daily that killed Americans. Saigon and Vietnam itself was an enigma, a virtual paradox of contradictions because of such large extremes and variations, i.e. beauty, squalor, intrigue, danger and death all rolled into one. The month in Saigon seemed Far too short and I left for my assignment in the Mekong Delta River region about 45 miles from Saigon. The terrain was covered with rice paddies separated by a Dense Jungle. I was an advisor to the 7th Vietnamese Infantry Division where we instructed Vietnamese soldiers on the concepts of hit and run guerilla type warfare.

Our enemy, the Viet Cong (VC) used similar countermeasures against us. In earlier wars the U.S. fought using an entirely different concept and strategy. Combatants fought for territory and advanced on the enemy in very large units. Our limited war in Vietnam was so different, i.e., the enemy often disguised themselves as peasants and it was very hard to distinguish friend from foe. The VC used stealth and made their attacks by night. When daybreak came they were gone, retreated back and made their attacks by night. When daybreak came they were gone, retreated back into their caves, tunnels, etc. This would significantly change in 1965 when full war was declared and the number of U.S. soldiers escalated to over 500,000 troops at the height of the war. We received intelligence reports that the enemy was gathering many soldiers in Hanoi, the capital and largest city in North Vietnam.

The reality of all this came to us unexpectedly one hot, sweltering afternoon. A surprise attack came out of nowhere and all hell broke loose. The fighting was fierce and suddenly I felt myself flying through the air was the result of a massive explosion from a bobby trap device near where I was standing. Had it been any closer I would have been instantly killed. As it was I suffered shock, mental trauma, massive shrapnel wounds, and broken eardrums. The next thing I remember is it took me 45 days to recover from my wounds and I still had some difficulty walking due to the shrapnel they could not remove from my right knee. I was flown back to my unit in Vietnam to finish out my 1 year tour. Near the end of my time in Vietnam  I got complacent, feeling almost invincible that nothing else bad could happen to me. This invincibility was shattered one afternoon when I was making a courier run. I hated these runs because Vietnamese snipers were everywhere and I was driving in open terrain (in an open jeep) without any protection. I was driving near full speed to complete my mission when suddenly a torrential downpour hit that was typical of the tropical monsoon season. I was blinded by the rain and started to pull over when I went into a spin and came to an abrupt stop. I nearly fainted when I saw the perilous sight. The jeep had come to rest on a very narrow strip of land separating two large rice paddies. The drop on either side was at least 75 feet and had I gone over the edge I would not be writing my story today. I had just had my second near death experience in Vietnam. I  got  back on the road grateful to be alive and that no Vietcong were nearby.

I made it home safely from Vietnam and counted my blessings to return to a free country where there was no war or atrocities. Unfortunately, several unwanted guests also came home with me. I realized I would always have the physical scars of war, however, I was unprepared for the mental and psychological effects to follow. My family first noticed my change in behavior, i.e., going from a happy care-free person to one who was moody, nervous, cynical, and bitter. I started having nightmares and flashbacks about Vietnam and today my condition is recognized as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

In 1965 PTSD was unknown and I hadn’t a clue what was wrong with me. Depression and mental illness were even more stigmatized back then because less was known about them. Medical science had not come very far in the 1st half of the 20th century concerning effective treatment methods and antidepressants would not not come to market until the mid 1970’s. The archaic and antiquated treatment methods used consisted of ice baths and electric shocks that were worse than the depression itself. I wanted no part of either one so I chose to suffer in silence. I did not know what else to do and fortunately for me my problems gradually went away. I was so relieved to get back to normalcy and I hoped I’d never suffer another depression.

I realized much later in my life that once you suffer your first depression, relapse is common and further episodes are almost a certainty. Like many cancers, once the seeds are planted, they lie dormant waiting to flare up again. By most definitions depression is a cunning, baffling and insidious mental illness that requires skilled  specialists and proper treatments to overcome its effects. Now that antidepressants are in the treatment arsenal they augment other procedures such as counseling and talk therapy. Study of the brain still poses great challenges to the research scientists who are continually unlocking some of its hidden secrets. Our personalities are an integral part of this challenge.

Perhaps by the end of the 21st century depression and mental illness will be a thing of the past. However, at the present time we are still partially in the dark ages. The depressed patient becomes a guinea pig being tested with trial and error methods until the right treatment is found. Don’t let this ever deter you if you suspect you are depressed. Seek help immediately because if you procrastinate your depression may get worse and advance to another level. This is where thoughts of suicide can enter the picture. Never let this happen to you like it did to me.

I lived in the Boston area for 30 years and experienced two major depressions that were successfully treated by therapy and medications. Much like cancer and other terminally incurable diseases depressions can be a lifetime struggle. Once the seeds are planted they lie dormant ready to sprout again. Chances are if you have suffered one depression another is inevitable. Big events in ones life can cause depression.

For example, I moved back to Nebraska in 1996 and suffered two major debilitating depressions, one of which nearly ended my life. I would like to describe some of my feelings and emotions because many of these are also warning signs of a depression. A complete list is at the end of my memoir. I want you to know at the outset if I had handled things differently I would have avoided much of this pain and misery. However, I stubbornly resisted treatment and isolated myself which was like a self imposed punishment. To start with, every feeling and emotion I had was intensified ten-fold and my nerves were worn to a frazzle. My moods and anxiety levels went up and down like a yoyo and were in a constant state of turmoil and fluxuation. I had terrible paranoia and falsely accused everyone of plotting against me. However, I did not know who everybody was. I had fits of temper and rage and was starting to have difficulty distinguishing the real world from the fantasy. In short, I was physically, mentally and spiritually bankrupt with nowhere to go or any means of escape.

Once I lost my faith and hope in humanity I had nothing else to live for. It was then that I began to think about committing suicide. Suicide is that taboo topic we all avoid or only whisper about to ourselves. We all intuitively know right from wrong and suicide is without a question both ethically and morally wrong. After a suicide, particularly if it was a famous person or someone we know, the one question always asked is why? This question is impossible to answer unless some note was left behind. The pressing question ought to be is what could have been done to prevent this suicide in the first place? Had the correct preventative measures been taken it may have been avoided entirely. Analysis, information and understanding of suicide is paramount if we are ever to make any headway toward reducing the huge number of victims.

This is where small discussion groups and larger, open forums are needed to initiate an educational process. The word must get out to the lowest levels and address the grass root problems of those at the greatest risk, i.e., our precious youth. I cannot stress this enough and unless action is started very soon the young people’s suicide rate will continue to rise.
I was still at the end of my rope not knowing what to do or where to turn. I was in a catch 22 situation. On the one hand, suicide was my way out and would end all suffering and problems. On the other hand, my religion forbids suicide as a mortal sin. Before long a third miracle would happen to me and a chain of events set into motion that changed my life forever. For some unknown reason I had my first clarity of thought in over a year. I could reason once again and Vietnam came to my mind. Over there I was spared death twice and given many more additional years of life. I thought about terminally ill patients who would give anything to extend their lives and here I was on the verge of throwing mine away.

Suicide began looking to me exactly as it is, i.e., ugly, selfish, cruel, and a cowardly way out of my depression. What about the irreparable damage to my family and loved ones who would be made to suffer grief, shame, pain and unending heartache?  It started looking foolhardy and I knew I had been taught better than this. I was willing to forfeit my life and pay the highest cost of all. I had thrown in the towel and was refusing to fight. I decided to wait and see what would happen next.

I hadn’t waited too long before I had my answer delivered in a simple, non-dramatic way. I was given a ticket to the 2014 NW High spring musical “Footloose” produced and directed by Mr. David Shack. The first time I saw the show I was hooked and nearly knocked down off of my seat. I sat in awe and utter amazement to see such an outstanding group of high school students pull off a difficult and demanding production that even would be challenging for broadway professionals. they were just that special and outstanding to me. I couldn’t wait to see the next performance and it got even better because after the show I got to meet Mr. Shack and some of the cast. It was overwhelming and a first in my life. Mr. Shack also gave me additional access to his workshop where I got to see rehearsals and tryouts. These were the preliminary and integral parts of organizing a production. music and dance numbers were polished to perfection before presentation to the public or for competitions.

I was amazed at the skills, talents and dedication these kids give Mr. Shack. As a visitor in their midst I was treated with utmost respect, kindness and good manners I seldom receive these days.  I give them full credit for coming to my rescue and saving my life at a time when doctors and medications were not working. I owe them and Northwest a debt of gratitude I can never repay. I finally saw a neurologist and he began my treatment with new medications and talk therapy. This treatment and the NW High musical programs made me feel needed, and wanted and that I could still accomplish something at my age. It also rejuvenated my love and passion for the performing arts. Not everyone gets a second chance at life and I intend to use mine wisely and to the best advantage possible. I have learned many valuable, and important, and difficult lessons as a result of all this. These I have formulated and summarized in a simple, brief, and concise checklist. I call it my Depression Prevention and Wellness checklist. I use it to remind me each day what I must do to ensure my continued wellness and to prevent relapses. I encourage you to use this checklist as a reference tool in case you ever need it.

I want to thank you for reading my personal memoir. I will close with a blessing; May God bless and keep you from harm and danger and may you experience the greatest success, health and prosperity possible in the remaining years given to you. “Look well to this day for we all pass this way but once. Any compassion and kindness we can show toward another, let it be now and not postponed for we shall not pass this way again. Look well, therefore to this day.”

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Depression Prevention and Wellness Checklist

[Step]       l       [Action Required]

 

#1           –        Stay Positive and vigilant.

#2          –        Red Flags of Depression:

— Low self esteem

— Increased anxiety; mood swings

— Insomnia; weight gain/loss

— Lost of interest/pleasure

— Behavioral troubles; anger, rage, temper, crying

— thoughts or plans of suicide

#3          –         Confide in a trusted friend.

#4         –         Preserve life. (Don’t harm; waste or destroy)

#5          –         You take from life what you put in. (Feelings; emotions, attitude)

#6          –         Things happen for a reason. Make the right choices.

#7          –         Treat others as yourself.

#8      –         Change what you can; accept what you cannot.

#9       –           Live in the moment. (Forget past; future)

#10      –           Read these steps daily.

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